I'm moving my blog elsewhere.. no offense to you all, and I ask you to continue reading up.. but I've decided to move to LiveJournal, too many of my friends have prodded me.. so I relented... *nods*
Tonight's another weird night for me. My mood is weird in general.
I've actually got a few story ideas floating around in my head that I Should attempt to write before they disappear again. Like usual *pouts*. If I can get myself out of the *counts* nearly 4 month bout of writers block...I should be on it! Not talking about it.. duh! . Anyways.. yeah, I officially have the ok from my big sister (Sunny, my once best friend and still close friend..)on Matt being my boyfriend. She hasn't met him yet.. but she will.
If and when he gets to come up in two weeks I've invited her over so she can meet him. Of course sis hasta check out my boyfriend. ^_^
Umm...yeah.. said sister also spent two weeks in Jail for assistance in Assault and Battery..Umm.. wow I'm tired...
24 days till my trip to Indiana.. When I get to drag Pinky out of State..then go Kidnap kit from her home for two weeks..
And invade Liz's state/house ^.^ It will be SO FUN! I SO CANNOT WAIT! *cough cough*
Al scheduled me for 40 hours this week, well an hour off...but he should know me.. if he schedules me for something, I get about almost 2 hours cumulative more.. by staying an hour after work to help restock shelves and put stuff away that a bitch ass customer tried to buy with a faulty check card...to..lots of things...
Umm.. yay, so if I clock 40+ hours.. I GET paid double over time.. hah! and there's nothing Al can do about it!! Lol, yes I'm happy about that. I'm happy about a lot of things. *nods* and tired as hell.
I'll divuldge more interesting information when it arises.. like tomorrow when I can actually sit down and type for more than a few minutes before falling asleep.. So, people.. I shall talk to you tomorrow, and be more frequent!
I had French Silk Pie today.. First time since my trip to Eau Claire back in may.. yay! *yawns* I'm rather tired, so I try to keep this short..
I rather miss Yami-chan.. it's been 4 days.. well 5 officially, since today's Saturday. 15 left before I get to even talk to him again.. let alone see him in person. :cry:
Anyways *cough* not much going on really, today I made a good fit with coughing at work.. and 4 people are convinced I have Mono.. that and now my right side is acting up too.. so, when I turn around if it isn't my left side giving me crap, it's my right side. Rather annoying.
Today was busier 'n hell at work too! I had nearly a $5,000 till! (about $200 off) that's A LOT for a small town store as small as IGA. There were three cashiers all day.. 4 if we needed it.. *sighs* oh well.. it was busy, it's over.. I'm off tomorrow. Sleep..
Meh, I'm feeling a little better.. (note: I said a little...<) I still feel abnormal, and the pains are really bothering me.. and now I'm coughing, which is unsettling, it's not like I need this right now.. I don't have time to be sick.. it's not like I can call in sick and keep a clear concience anyways...I always feel like I'm commiting a moral sin when I call in sick (3 times now in a year.. oooh...) > Yes, I do all these favors for girls, pull shifts on my day off when I could be babysitting or something.. and then when I ask for one of those girls to return the favor, they say no without a second thought...yes I'm still sore about Brandi on Wednesday.. I was really sick that day.. I really needed to stay home, not breathe on people, and sleep for another 24 hours, but she wouldn't come in.. she was too goddamn lazy to get up that early.
Heh, in the end, it paid off... she said no to my wednesday shift, so the day I was supposed to come in for her, I called in sick...well mostly because my fever spiked to about 101.7 and didn't want to go down. That and I'd had a massive emotional break down, 3 actually, in the course of 3 days.. and was ready to go out and throw glass bottles at the wall while AT work..
So I called in sick, slept for 20 hours, felt a little better... and let my mind rest..
So it works.. but I best off kiddies. I have a party to plan for tomorrow. *sighs*
G'night all..
Oh PS:
Trae, if you stumble across this message, I hope you're feeling better. I know it sucks to be sick... hang in there!
Ok.. so I'm sitting here listening to "Movies" by Alien Ant Farm, and trying to stay awake for a little longer. Liz hasn't been on all day and I wanna talk to her before bed.
Her niece and nephew are visiting her, she said she'd try to be on...but I see how it goes *shrugs*
I'm still sick too.. yay for being sick for going on the 9th day in a row. Isn't it lovely? I think I know what it is, but I won't quite know for sure until I speak with a couple of people, including my doctor, to confirm that it's not Strep. *shrugs* the Rapid Culture came back Negative.. but.. whatev.
Umm..
It's Tuesday Night.. right? Yeah.. a certain somebody never called.. but that's quite understandable, it just means I won't get to talk to said person for the rest of the 17 days they're gone. I understand that.. it's all good..
I ah.. slept for 12 hours today.. woke up at 1 pm... did stuff.. about 2 hours after being awake I felt like I was drained again....and yes, tomorrow I do have work. 7:30 - 3:30 that's why I'm going to bed after I finish this blog.
I'm going to explain to Kathy my situation and ask her if maybe I can take a couple of 5 minute sit breaks when it gets quiet.. or I'll ask one of the girls who comes in with me if it's possible.. 'cause I'm really not feeling good.. (yet I can't take off work.. unless I ask somebody if it's ok if I go home about a half hour early.. I may just do that..)
Umm... Soo.yeah..
Not much else.. it was actually a nice day today..
There isn't much else to say.. there was an Earthquak down in IL the other day.. people in Indiana/WI and other states felt it too..
Kowai Desu Yo! (Very scary!)
So..with that, I leave you all.. I think my fevers down again.. but I can't be sure.. i'll take my temp, some asprin and be gone...
G'night folks, I'll keep ya updated, but if it's what I think it is... I have about.. 5 weeks of Fatigue to look forward too.. and no Dance Dance Revolution for a while.. . Man..
So, my throat is still killing me.. Though not so much as, it's constricting. Like when I breathe or swallow... it feels tight and makes it hard to do much of anything.. and it's driving me up a wall..
I had an emotional break down last night, same as the one I had a little before it.. and the one on Wednesday. Does anybody see a trend?
I feel like I'm going insane.. everything seems to have just come crashing down inside and I just need to let go...so, under the threat of bodily harm from my best friend, I'm calling in sick from work today - even though it was originally my day off to begin with, and I just don't feel up to work today...- and will make a doctors appointment as soon as my parents get home from their trip up north.
I just need to rest...and not do much talking, cause I sound rediculous when I speak.. and it just makes it that much harder to use my throat..
So, yeah.. wish me luck guys, I'm actually letting myself take a trip to the doctors.. after the first time in...umm.. since last summer I think..
I'm tired.. I'm stressed, I'm grumpy.. For the most part.. I'm a bitch..
My first choice would be down a few Ibuprofen and enjoy the little overdose high I get before crashing.. that's my first choice.
That's what I won't do.. 4 Ibuprofen is bad enough.. though it'll kill about anything...like Rational Thought, and balance.
Umm.. my head hurts, my back hurts, I still feel like Gravity suddenly hates me... yay stress.. I'm actually having more stress added on..
And I'm going to let it bother me damnit! Who's to stop me..
....Not me.. because I don't know how. *shrugs* yay.. it's midnight, I have to be up in 6 hours...
Yeah, I'm a complete whiner.. SUE ME... I'm a little peeved at myself for agreeing to work a 5 1/2 hour shift on my day off.. It gives me a total of 6 days in a row working, and 43 hours clocked. Baaadddd deal. I need to talk to Al tomorrow and see what I should do.. if I can pass w/ 43 hours and just have a helluva high check... or if I have to skiv off some hours from shifts on the next few days to get it under 40..
...Yeah, going home at 8 vice 10 one day would be lovely.. or coming in at 4 vice 2 would be great as well.. *nods*
Ugh, pain.. I hurt... I don't like today.. but I'll live ^_^
i'm being random again.. I'm hungry too, but I can't eat, cause I'm going to bed... Actually I think I'm going to forgo the asprin and just crash.. I'm too tired to care about a full blown headache anymore..
Yay...and stuff.
...Seriously, why are any of you reading this anymore.. Yami, that goes for you too.. I know you love me, because I love you too..but you have to be hella bored to wanna read this stupid blog entry.
*shrugs*
'night all. Happy Wednesday/Thursday... *blinks* I had to think about that for a second..
Night all.. Wait.. didn't I say that once before? :?
i've had a long, hard day... a person can literally only take so much emotional abuse, be it from others or herself, before it becomes too much.
I've done it for years.. and I'll probably keep doing it.. being that 'pillar of strength' for everybody, for as long as they let me..
It just...I do it wrong.
I've spent years, after Kristy... taking the pain my friends come to me with.. and making my own.. letting it be my burden as well.. As god awfully stupid as that sounds..
Today I realized I was tired.. emotionally.. I had a little break down today.. Because of certain events coming to a pass..
And I felt bad, because...instead of reacting like I normally do.. (quietly and calmly..) I became angry with a friend...for her 'statement' and that set of a trail of events I STILL don't understand..
But.. apparently liz and yami both felt the aftereffects of my little outburst... and they're 3 & 8 hours away...
Fun, how that was only a little of the pent up... frustration and pain.. I went POOF...like a little super nova.. and it's done with now..
So I think I'm going to go sleep until noon.. then get ready for work....I need to sleep.. I need to just stop feeling for a little bit..
[i]The situation seems bad, the road ahead rough and uncertain.. But I know in my heart everything will be fine. I know what tomorrow brings, will change your life forever...
I just want you to know that I'm always with you Even when it seems like I'm not. Deep down in your heart, I'm always right beside you.. holding your hand..a gentle caress to sooth the soul.
I will be there night and day, doing my best to protect you from harm, even if my attempts fall short, I'll still be by your side.
Through the good times, and the bad. You can trust that you'll have my faith and love.. My heart and soul...
There's not much else I can say, to get my thoughts to you tonight..
Just know that... I'll feel your happiness, your pain.. In vibrant shades of emotion. As much as you feel, so shall I then too.
I ask for a call...but I'll know when the time comes.. Should it be the worst... Then that's what it'll be.. And it'll pass..
Just come back to me safetly, my love.. No matter the passage of time.. I'll miss you, painfully so.
But I'll still be with you everyday. Trying my best to give you the strength to carry on..
For now I'll hope for the best, And that I'll see you soon.. So for now my dear...
I wish you luck, And sweet dreams for the night.. I love you, forever..
Becky[/i] - 12:35 am.
Yami-chan... my love. You have my heart and soul. May my strength and faith, prayers and hope, be enough to bring you back to me tomorrow evening.
...Because I don't know what I'll do without you.. Please come back. Don't lose hope.
It'll all turn out all right. It will... It has too..
Because I believe it will. And deep down, my faith in the soul has never let me down...
Good luck hun. I'm right there with you, every step of the way. Don't ever forget that.
[b]Current Mood[/b]: A little Lonely... [b]Current Song[/b]: "Groovy Kind of Love" Phil Collins
So it's Sunday.. and as my mood stat says.. I'm a little lonely...but that's mostly because I just really miss Yami. *sighs* yeah, there we go, I said it out loud.. I miss Yami-chan. And he hasn't even been gone a full hour...
I still feel like crying.. and I feel bad. Not..horrible, but bad. I cried a lot this week. Mostly just Friday and Yesterday, but it was mostly stress.. I cried 3 times today.. ..make it 4.. And I can't stop...
We told my parents about us...so that parts better.. the way it happened was actually humorous. It took me about 20 minutes that day to actually work up to telling my parents.. (Yami didn't help AT ALL...Froggie!) and I ended up just telling mom with Yami in the room. She wasn't surprised at all, like I figured it'd turn out. But I was still stressed.. then dad walked in. He was coming in to say "bye, I'm going fishing" and mom turns around from the computer and says *bluntly no less* "They're dating" he immediately turned around and left.
In a way it was cute and humorous, but considering how freaking stressed out I was, I started to cry. Again. And it kept up for a while. But it all turned out alright. Heh, now said Yami-chan has oh.. 5 people whom will kill him without a second thought if he does anything wrong. *sweatdrops* Poor boy. He's with a very overly protected girl. ^_^
Ah well.. I cried once before he left, once as he was leaving, and now twice after he's gone.. He'll be home at 8, so he said he'd call when he got there. But.. there's just so much going on in his life that sucks. So terribly bad. And I just cry because of it. But I feel bad. Because... I know it upsets him to see me cry, and I can't help it.. I just want the pain and trouble to go away forever. And so long as he's troubled, I will be too.... there's no doubt about it.
*sighs* oh well.. he left me his Fencing Club hoodie. So I'm content...
Meh, now that that's outta the way...
THis week was fun... within the first 7 hours I was sunburnt on my arms and face. And by the end of the trip I had AT LEAST 26 bug bites that I could count. And only a couple of them were from Mosquito's. O.o; The goddamn Fly's up there BITE! AND IT HURTS!!
The mayflies were horrible.. and some how I managed to get two spider/bee bite/stings. fun huh?
Hah, fishing was fun too! I actually CAUGHT Fish! Even a big croppie.. which mom says that's about as big as they get.. ^_^ I Was happy.. Poor Yami-chan though.. he was out there casting.. With his Frog Lure.. That's really all he was out there to do... just mess around with the frog. HE didn't catch a thing. Wait.. mistaken. He caught weeds, lily pads, a tree... and the lake.
(The lake thing is, he was casting off the dock, and hit his line/pole against one of the poles on the dock.. and his line went one way.. his lure went the other.. it was ADORABLE to see him take the peddle boat out to get it back.. )
[i]I bet he'll kill me if he decides to start reading my blog again.. ^_^ Hehehehe oh well...[/i]
Heh, I drove all the way home too.. (that's a two hour drive that I've never done in my life..) and it was nice. We both sang stupid songs.. or sappy songs.. it was fun. I had a little bit of a breakdown at a gas station...but it was hunger. :P and me being a complete idiot.
Oh well hey?
So.. now I'm just relaxing, and trying to figure out how come Al has me scheduled 10 - 5 on a Tuesday.. *looks over work schedule again*
*shrugs* well I think I'm going to go hop back on my PS2 and start working on the DDR game that Yami left for me. DDRMAX (YAY MAXX 300!!!!) I'm trying to unlock all the games before I head to Indiana in August.
Until My drivers test tomorrow morning.. . Yes, I'm confident in my driving, but I'm also trying to fight back the urge to go crawl under a rock and die so I won't have to face it... *sigh*
So I haven't eaten much today at all.. in fact, dinner a couple hours ago was my first thing eaten all day.. and I didn't even finish that, so now I'm rather hungry..
But kind of afraid to eat.. I'm so nervous... Deep Breathing does help me calm down, but it also makes me light headed.. Go figure huh?
Umm.. yeah.. but yeah.. maybe I'll go play a little FFVII or DDR to ebb my nerves... I'm so nervous...
I'll prolly update tomorrow around 9 before I leave with a REALLLY pathetically nervous post..
Then I'll post one at about 10:30 with results.. *sweatdrops*
[b]Current Mood:[/b] Drop Dead Tired [b]Current Song:[/b] "Girls Psychology" Morning Musume
I'm tired, but I'm blogging.. it's 1 am at my place... so yay, technically that means only a day and a half more till Tuesday! Then I get my Glorified Pillow back.. and for an entire week! ^_^ *happy*
Meh, and that means only...*counts* 32 or so more hours till my Drivers Test on Monday Morning..
Wish me luck. 4th Try. I have my confidence now. I will prevail. Damn Driving instructors won't intimidate me this time. If I can drive home in pouring rain at 11 PM alone without properly working windshield wipers (that's my story anyways..) I can pass a stupid little drivers test!
Right :?:
Ok.. I'm sleepy now.
Today was pretty good, it's raining again, like usual. Umm.. I babysat tonight. 6:30 - Midnight. was fun.. was abusive, my cheek is bruising, I got my hair LITERALLY pulled.. and he got a good handful and nearlly took me down with him...
Him being my cousin Hunter (his little brother Carson was the one to give me the bruising cheek..)
They went to bed on time though, so all was good... My head hurts though, but what's new, they always want to wrestle. Not my fault I'm a girl who doesn't like body slamming and getting hit really hard...
Yay? Right.. well it was a pretty worthwhile night, got 25 bucks out of it. ^_^ Spending money for upnorth.. now just gotta cash check.
[b]Current Mood[/b]: Angry/Frustrated/Scared [b]Current Music[/b]: Evanescence "Fallen" Album
Here it is folks, this is me when I stop caring who reads what I write, and how I feel. Here's where I just need to speak my mind, get everything off my chest and away from me.
If I could right now, I'd go outside and scream. I'd throw something, break something.. whatever I could. I would seriously be so happy if I could just... be violent for a minute. But I can't. So I won't. So you get the brunt of it. Even if nobody gives a damn.
It's my blog, if you don't want to hear it. Don't fucking read it.
I've been quiet lately. No blogging, and when I do, it's random, or I speak in circles. Why? Because I just do. I have my reasons. Secrecy being the main thing. A couple of people who read my blog, are involved in some of the current goings on, and I don't want them to know I'm writing about it. So I don't. Or if I do, it's secret like.
Well no more. At least for tonight I will talk as long as I want and as openly as I wish. I'm tired of keeping quiet. I'm tired of a lot of things. Mostly life in general. But that's just a complaint.
At this very point in time, I feel like I'm a horrible friend. And I damn well could be and people could be lying to spare my feelings. Good for them. It's appreciated I suppose.
I do what I have to do. I'm their friend, I sit by and listen, I offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to them when need to vent and cry and just be heard... I offer open arms for hugs and comfort.
But does it really mean anything? I Mean... does anything I do, really COUNT for anything? I've been thinking about it, and maybe Kristy was right when she said I was nothing but a push over little bitch who wasn't a good friend at all.
She was right about a lot of things...sometimes I still wish she was around. I don't know, maybe that's the dark part of me inside speaking, saying that it misses the abuse. Because at least emotional abuse left you unable to defend yourself from a lot of things. I was under her control, I was whatever she wanted me to be. I suppose that lack of control over my own life somehow spilled into my current life.
Sometimes I feel that she was right about how worthless I am. I listened to her, and her problems, and I tried to help her. Just like I do with my friends now. Their pain can be my burden. But then... when I feel down, for some reason I just can't run to them and say it, even if they say I can. I just can't. Something inside me says "don't do it.. they don't need any of your trivial problems.. keep it to yourself and just stay quiet.."
So I do. And it's ok for a while. I can deal. It's not like anything I really complain about matters. I'm just being a really pathetic girl when I gripe. Work this.. school that. Who the fuck really gives a damn right?
I mean, sure people say they do.. and I know one person who will actually take what I say to heart. For that he will always be in my heart. But it doesn't give me the right to burden people with my stupid shit. They all have problems that make what I go through look like a childs little tiff. Trials, Attempted Suicide, depression, forced moving, dysfunctional family...family in jail, death of mother.. divorce...
It's all something I've never had to deal with.. except maybe that depression part, but it's mostly bad mood swings. I have a damn good life. And it pisses me off.
Who the fuck said I had to get dealt a good life, when all my friends are made to suffer. I want to know who says that has to be right? That's wrong. It's wrong, it's angering.. It's not fair. And I'm sick of it.
A friend of mine, somebody very close to me, and my only real friend that I see almost every day (or used to) in wisconsin... has some really big problems on her hand.
Some that I thought I could deal with...and at least be there for her.
She's suicidle, this much I know, she's depressed and has actually been in a psych ward for this.. but.. everything that's happened to her.. the way her family treats her.. the way.. life just sucks.. it's not fair.
She has a job interview on Tuesday (good vibes...please..) and a lot is riding on this job.. If she does get it, it will mean we'll work together, she'll feel better, and all will be ok. But if she doesn't get it.. it'll mean her mom makes her move to Stevens Point as a live-in house keeper for a friend or cousin or somebody.
....and said girl has said she can't take it anymore. Anything.. if she doesn't get this job, she just won't want to live anymore.
What do you say to that. What can you say...she won't even talk to me. She's silent. A mutual friend of ours told me that "baka miko" (code name?) said she didn't really want to talk to me, and to give her some space, but didn't want to say it to my face, and didn't want HER to tell me that.. But she did anyways.
I'm glad she could tell me to my face that she didn't feel like talking....
There's not much else I can say on that matter...but I can say that it's almost the same for another friend. Whom has family problems, and is really depressed, stressed, frustrated...it's a lot to handle for her, her life..
She talks to me a lot, which is good, cause I can cheer her up. But other than that, there's not much I can do, because she's about 10,000 miles away.. down in Texas, to my Wisconsin.
So all I can do is be a good listener to her.. and try to destract her from her pain. But I know it's not enough.
It never is...but I keep doing it. Because it's all I CAN do at this moment..
*sighs* I don't know anymore. I just don't know.
I just don't feel worthwhile sometimes, like people would just be better if I weren't around. Or that I'm a bad friend..
Kristy held threats of Suicide over my head for the 3 years we were friends.. she would flaunt the fact that she could easily take a knife to her wrists, or down a bottle or two of asprin and end it all (and that it would be my fault, her blood on my hands)... I would beg her not to do it. It was a routine we did almost every night. I was used to that, I could DEAL with it up front and in my face...I could handle pleading with her not to take her life...
But when my friends hint about it, and talk about it like it could happen... I don't know what to say.. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's worthwhile to get out of bed anymore. It just doesn't...
I'm sorry I'm just a whining little bitch. Forgive me please. I'm sorry I can't be a better friend, or that I can't be...better..
[i]This truth drives me, into madness.. I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away.. If I will it all away...[/i]
Yeah. I'm hungry. It's 2:30 friggin am.. I'm hungry.. and tired.. but not so tired that.. oh, if I skip sleep tonight I'd kill me to stay up 24 hours, not that people I know would be happy with me.. but oh well?
*ponders* we'll see what laying down brings for me..
It's June! Yay?
Is it June 15th yet? *pouts*
Edit: My compy says 2:26.. but when I post it says 3:18. Lol. either that's Eastern time.. or my computer's Rrreeaallllllyyyy slacking....
One of the two...
[b]last edit of night[/b] It was my timing thingie.. Had it set an hour ahead.. :P *fixed it*
...Yeah, I'm incredibly random... sleep better come, or I'm screwed for being at work tonight.. they'll hit me..
[b]Current Song[/b]: "Make you Feel my love" Garth Brooks [b]Current Mood[/b]: Lonely...
So it's raining out right now... Pretty good too.. Spencer's gotten about 8 inches of rain in the last 3 days.. and it's supposed to rain into Tuesday...so, can we say another few inches of rain?
We've already got standing water in our yard....our neighbors even more so. Goody. It'll be like 3 years ago when our yard and my cousin/next door neighbors backyards turn into one giant conjoined lake..
Flooding - Something we see about every 3 years around here. And Flooding in May leads into Deadly Storms in June/July. So it'll be a repeat of 3 years ago, when we went up north and one of the days there was a wicked storm.. tornado going passed our Cabin (right on the lake) pulling up tree's cutting off Power...
It was fun at 3 am to listen to Rescue Workers and Chainsaws...you could actually hear the walkie talkies across the lake.. it was kinda fun..
This year we're going somewhere else for the week vice Clam Lake, but we're going back up to Nimacogin.. Next to another lake... Yami-chan is coming up with us... lol, yup, he gets to spend 5 or 6 days with my parents, grandparents, and me.. hurrah huh?
And some news will be announced, if I get the courage, I'm a little scared. Even though I have no real reason... it'll be nice to have it out in the open vice a secret.
Yeah.. ..I miss My friends, nobody is on...well Kit and Keika are on, but they're silent.. *pouts* Yami's not on, neither is Liz or Pinky..
Meh, and some news will be broken to kit too.. which may change the way our friendship is. That also scares me..
I've done some pretty stupid things lately (wandering out in the rain at midnight, barefoot in PJ's...bruising wrist packing groceries for myself in a hurry... nearly sucking up the calender at work tonight....[i]long story..[/i]) But this takes the cake. I feel horrible wandering in and doing what I've done.
Which I will not speak of right now, just know it's all complicated, but not TOO complicated, just in my mind it is.. but then again, this is me we're talking about. Of course, that doesn't mean I regret what's happened... I'm quite content...it's just a very odd situation for me.. that's all.
I'll blog... Rah huh? Bet you guys really want to hear from me again. :?
I really don't know what my problem is lately, this is bugging me. I fell asleep at 2:30.. woke up at 7:30.. fell back to sleep at 8 and woke up at 9:30. I got to sleep in for a bit. But I'm still half dead!! That's what's bugging me.
I've been feeling exceedingly run down as of late...I can't really explain it. Like I could just sit down, or lay down...and sleep for 24 hours. It's bad, because I have work at 3 today. I barely feel up to it. Even if I AM working with John tonight. I just want to sleep. Sleep is good... I think working for 6 days in a row is starting to take its toll. What do you think?
I get tomorrow off... I plan on taking full use of it.. and sleeping till noon if at all possible. Yes, I'm going to aim for at least 10 hours of sleep tonight/tomorrow. Which is more sleep than I get in 2/3 days...
Ok, anyways... yeah, I can't be sleeping now because I'm waiting for the people from Mittens to get here with our furnature. New furnature! Yay! That's..about all..
I just realized that I missed the last cut off date for the ACT's June 12th, so I can no longer take them.. Grrr....
Screw it, I'll try for another date. :P Longer time to study.
So tired... Want to sleep.. *yawn* Wish Furnature people get here..
That's...sort of the question. I'm actually quite hungry, but dislike hashbrowns, and that had to be what dad made for dinner..
So I'm trying to decide if I should stomach dinner.. or go without and just snack on some crackers or something. *Shrug*
Amusing little happening today.. I walked into Kwik Trip to pick myself up a phone card **675 minutes for 16 bux baby!!** and a lady walked up to me and asked "where'd you move the bread...?" And I looked at her for a second like she was insane.
THen I thought for a second I was still in IGA and just daydreaming, but that moment passed and I realized I WAS in Kwik Trip and a strange lady thought I worked there and really wanted that answer..
So I told her the truth "I don't...work here...sorry.." and kinda wandered off.. That was odd. Really Odd.
I'm tired again.. and my mood steadily went from unusually happy/peppy/hyper...to downright depressed and angsty. And I couldn't begin to tell you why folks.
Just that I'm sad for no apparent reason. I may just lay down for a while... See if a nap works..
*sighs* I have no reason to be sad, yet I am. How deeply pathetic is that?
Yeah... really. I know. So... ok, my stomaches officially bitching me out. So for better or worse I"m going to go try and eat... Just figured I'd post something...
But no worries folks. I'm just being me. Dunna matter...
"Oh I realize It's hard to take courage. In a world full of people...You can lose sight of it. And the darkness, inside you makes you feel so small.."
[b]I give you a box of dreams, an everlast dream...[/b]
Yeah, everything seems a little surreal right now.. so I'm kinda more than likely typing with my eyes shut, hoping that my hands can find their way around a keyboard good enough for me to do this and NOT fall asleep while I'm at it...
Which is a very good possibilitiy...I'm tired as hell.. It's.. 3:30... am... as usual...only this time I don't have anybody with me to keep me awake this long...I'm just here... awake... well..asleep/awake...semi-conscious..
Heh... you ever have something happen to you, that it seems like it's from a dream? And you don't want it to end...but you know it's not a dream and reality...
Reality is strange though.. I mean, it's good... but strange. Sometimes it can be bad, and the best things can come in a package that looks like a bomb.. life could suck one day, but for the reason that the next day will be perfect....
Or...you can be lonely, stay lonely... act like you like it.. or actually do like it...until somebody comes along... some very special person, very strange...that changes your view on life completely.. Ever have that experience?
Ever... suddenly feel extremely happy... at one point in your day.. but yet sad and ready to cry at another..like when this reason for your happiness disappears?
It's a lovely little thing. I've grown an addiction folks.. and I'm not afraid to admit that..
But let's just say... this whole thing, spells out nothing but trouble in the long run, so if I'm suddenly posting about bad bad happenings...you know why... I warnedyou all... well mostly mysellf...which was the goal...I'm seriously out of it folks..
I just...thought I'd post...saying hey.. it's 3 am...
Yeah... well.. *Sighs* let me just say this..
[b][i]I really miss my glorified pillow...[/i][/b] Plain and simple..
Oh well.. only 2 weeks to wait. Wondeful..
G'night folks... I have no clue what I'm saying.. Except... That I'm tired...
Way beyond tired..
(PS: out of the blue day before yesterday a word popped into my head... Obsequious..it's not the strangest thing in the world. Big, strange words pop into my head every so often.. it's just amusing that this word happened to be the one..
Obsequious.. without big words.. means Fawning.. Yay?)
Yeah, I've been gone for a long time, everybody who actually 'cares' raise your hand right now. (and that's a resounding... oh, zero?)
Meh, apparently I wasn't good enough to actually log in for the past few days....or, however long it's been since I last gave the attempt TO log in.. (which includes over 16 "Lost Password" messages which really really REALLY pissed me off.)
Ummm... No, I'm not dead. I'm actually alive. Though...confused as hell. Not so much as before, but still a little bit... it's odd really. Oh well..
I suppose answers to questions, and everything that needs to come, will come with time eh?
On a very good upnote... I'm OFFICIALLY Enrolled for 13 credits worth of classes... 6 classes... ^_^ Yeah, I won't be busy at all next semester...
Umm... well I'm tired, but that don't say much, I did only get 4 hours of sleep last night... and yes, I do have a lot to think about...which I will be thinking about even if I'm told not to think about it, because that's just who I am..
Yeah.. so, today was like.. Weird. I mean. not just weird but.. Freaking creepy weird.
[url=http://profiles.yahoo.com/ang...]Somebody[/url] from my past in HS, has decided today (of all damn days..) would be a good day to try - once again - to hit on me.
Hurray. Even though he has a girlfriend, though apparently they're not too far from breaking up...
Scary.. he's just..he really creeps me out. Anybody out there have the 6th sense of being able to tell about people just by meeting them? Like.. "ok, this person is good.. no trouble.. I sense no disturbance from them.." or "..No! God stay away!" kind of a thing.
My senses are telling me to "stay away from this creep.." but he can't take no for an answer, and he kinda scares me.. so I don't REALLY know what to do. I got nobody who lives here that can play "boyfriend" for me and get him off my back.
Meh.. *sighs* Shigatta ga nai.. Oh well..
In other news... well no, that's about all I felt like complaining about.. that and about slamming two of my fingers on my right hand in my register. It Hurts.. . Yeah.. Meh.
***************** [i]Current Mood:[/i] Tired/Introspective [i]Current Music:[/i] Various Celtic songs. *****************
Yeah, ok...so I'm in one of my moods again. This is a weird one. Because I only get it once in a while, and it usually hits at the most inconvienent time...
Like now. Ok, I should still technically be on the high I was on from my trip to UW-EC right? It was fun.. it was..exciting, I made friends, found out I could actually juggle.. everything.. it was amazing.
But then again, there's the void. This tiny part of my soul that's lonely, and doesn't want to be that way anymore...so it tells me on occasion. Believe me, I'm listening.
The more I look at things, the more I feel a little left out. A bit of a bother if you could say that. My boss would say it's all a state of mind, if you feel like a burden, you are...and so forth. Well then, I suppose I am a burden, cuase that's how I feel tonight.
Like a giant burden, somebody who's getting in the way. One helluva proverbial 3rd wheel.
I actually kind of felt this way for a while. Hence the "inconvienent timing" situation. All week I felt that way. Though, nobody from Eau Claire should be commenting on this, it's my own personal feelings. Nothing to do with you guys.
Kind of the same in my circle of friends. Or even in my family..or just life in general. Like I'm nothing but a problem for everybody. Or like, it would just be a bit better if I weren't around at certain times.
Now, don't get me wrong, that's not depression peeking through, so don't get all worried on me. I'm fine. I'll be fine tomorrow more than likely. This is just my thoughts taking over my mind..
Enough of that anyways.. God.. I'm freaking sore.
I think my legs being sore could be from all the uphill/downhill action at EC.. yay for the hill. Why my ribs are sore is beyond me. Kinda feels like I did a lot of coughing lately, cause it hurts TO cough.. which is odd..
Anyways.. I'll survive I suppose. But I should get to bed. I have work at 7:30 and I wanna get at least 5 1/2 hours of sleep.
Yes...yes I am here. To any and all at EC who read my blog on occasion (why..is beyond me) and didn't know I'm here...
I AM! Which is really cool. Because...it's great here. Just took me a bit over 7 hours to actually settle in and feel like..."hey! I can actually talk.."
:P so I'm a little quiet at first in person. People should actually know that by now... okay so when Yami and I first met I wouldn't shut up. But I was hyper..and it was the con date... what's wrong with that?
Umm..but I digress. Yeah. There's 2 French Silk pies chilling in Leah & Katie's fridge thing right now, and said blonde kitty girl is working on work. which is why I'm blogging and not being...me.
Cecil, should ya read this, I'm feeling much much better than the other night, I made it safe, and I hope to see you later on tonight at Juggling club. If by chance you don't see this until a later date..
Umm... it was fun? :? ...yeah.
I hope somebody reminds me to eat sometime today, because while I'm rather hungry now, as soon as we get to doing something, I'll forget again and not worry about it. Hehe.
Umm..yeah.. OH YEAH!
There's a "Friends" Party tonight down the hall... :cry: :cry: :cry: Super Sad. Friend's is about done!! Meh.. Oh well... it'll be a great episode tonight. Partay. Woot!
yes, I'm being incredibl random, it's how I am. Umm..yes...if Trae doesn't stay for the party...or if we don't finish it before the Friends party, it gets shared with everybody else.
...Friends and Pie.. I think they mix very well. Don't you?? ^_^
On a low note: since of course I can't be all hyper and happy and crap. Well i can be..but I gotta put this up, cause it's party of my internal rant.
There was a fire in my town yesterday, a few miles south of where I live, apparently it was a trailer fire. Not ordinarily something that would catch my attention off the bat. Because while I care about the people in my town, if I took it to heart - every fire there was - I'd be worrying about a lot of people right now.
But..said trailer fire is special. My dad told me at lunch that the only trailer he knows of that's out that way, and not in the Trailer park belongs to my friend's X-fiance/Still best friend Allen.
Ok, still not making sense? They are there, all the time...alll the freaking time. So...I think there was an ambulance that went by my house too..so I'm not sure, but I think there may have been injuries..
I'm just praying that it wasn't Sunny, that she wasn't there in the fire. Meh... I couldn't find anything out before I came to EC, so I'm stuck in the freaking dark until I get home, or until it shows up on the news..
Cool huh? In other news: Coughing really hard on an empty stomach, leaves you light headed, it's funny actually.. time for some SoBe...
Yay Friends! And french silk pie.. And stuff!
Umm... yes, I promise to talk more in real life. I will. I will I will. Because ...why am I still talking.
...Okay, I don't have long, so here's a quick "yes I'm still alive...sort of." update.
Let me just say this.. I'm confused as hell. Won't be giving away details, cause it's really personal, and really really..not something you'd all care about, or even your business...
But let's just say.. emotions suck sometimes.. A lot of things do.
Oh, and Yami, I know I know, I still owe you a massage...why I just NOW remembered that is beyond me.. (hell, why I said it here is beyond me too..it's 2 am..I have no control over my thinking skills anymore...:?)
Hmm.. well for the next few days I'll be in EC, so nobody will see me around blogging, or messenger, until said time when I'm back..like.. Sunday... UNLESS of course I manage to get computer time during the week. Then i'll blog or something.
Woot!
Checklist for tomorrow:
** Pack - yeah...I still gotta do that. ** Don't forget the French Silk Pies ** Take Networking Test ** Get to post office to send off really really late gifts.. ** Maybe manage to play a little FFX before I go. ** *scans memory* DIRECTIONS! Make sure I have directions!
Woot! I sounded horribly bitchy last night didn't I?
Well, actually I kind of was, but I kind of wasn't.. I was just really depressed, because I realized all the friends that I truely care about aren't able to be really in my life. Pinky is...but even SHE'S not talked to me lately, I call her house, and the phone rings - 10 or 15 times - and it's her goddamn sister on the phone NOT ANSWERING THE FUCKING CALL WAITING!
Does she realize that she does that? Yeah, because she's an idiot.. I wanna talk to my friend damnit! . Anyways... Yum! I just ate a piece of warmed up French Bread and I'm deciding if I should have left over take out...or something else for lunch..
I could easily make pizza, but I don't want pizza..but I'm not sure if I want take out.. Meh..
Lol. There are some guys here cutting down a tree... They broke one of our windows, that was funny.. I was sitting pretty much across from the window when it happened, and I jumped like, to the roof when I heard the crash.
hehehe....oh! guess what, My left shoelace untied yesterday at work.. NOT my right...my left.
Yay for my Birthday being a day for badluck, rain, and everything. But at least it didnt' snow! That's all I can say..
Ok..well..I'm better. I'm pretty much just waiting for Sunday to come so I know if I'll be able to get a ride from Kristina over to Eau Claire, or if I'll have to sneak around with my cousin Nik. Which will be interesting to see how THAT pans out..
Anyways.. yeah, I'm like..actually really hungry and waiting for a package to come. So I'll be going now..
Just know that I'm in a better mood..and ignore my bitchy blogs, that's just me getting my anger/frustration out in words..
Yeah, belated happy birthday to myself.. What do I go and do?
I get f'in depressed... Literally.. I sobbed, 3 times today.. Just broke down and cried..
And the last time happened to be when I was in the midst of a voice chat with Liz and Matt. What's worse, Liz was on the phone with me too..
She was panicking, and I'm over here bawling..trying to stop, not knowing why.
God I love Birthday's.. Cold/Rainy/Snowy/Depressi ng Birthday's.
Almost makes me wish this would be my last. (Note I said almost..I'm just in a funk tonight..)
I miss my friends. I miss them so bad it hurts...and I'm not kidding. That was my problem the entirety of today. I miss Kit, Liz and Matt... to the point where I'll cry because of it.
To the point where it hurts to breathe...That's really sad. Really Sad.
Because I've never had that feeling. And it scared me... But that's me. I scare easily, I'm over emotional, and I'm pretty much good for nothing.. or good for little...
Yeah.. it's April 28th. The day after my birthday, and everything is different, yet sort of the same..
Why do I freaking rant to you people. Nobody gives a damn.. but at least I Got it off my chest.. I've becme addicted to blogging.. which is sad..
Oh well.. it's better than writing this all in a journal and there being a good chance my parents find it..
That's a good thing.. a very good thing.. Because right now's one of those moods where they'd try and take me in for mental help..
Because...I'm just.. so sad.. And I don't know how to stop being so sad.
I hate this! I really really do.
And you know what, that's right. I'm babbling, because nobody reads this anyways! (Except maybe Matt & Kit..and me when i'm really bored)
So screw every fucking thing... I'm going to bed now.
